Some things on my mind...

I realize now that I have really wasted the opportunity to be honest with myself; this blog was going to be a candid glimpse into my mind, my thoughts, my opinions about things. When I spoke up about having a blog, I realized that some of the people that I mentioned it to might not like some of the things that I have to say, so I quit. I just did not make or take the time to use this tool to let out some of the thoughts that have been nagging at me. Well, no more. Some the people that I have met in the last -almost- two years since we moved to Granite City have come to be some of my most favorite people. Godly, honest, genuinely decent people that have already taught me a lot about standing up for what I believe.
I am remebering the old days, my "baby days" when I figured out that the best way to feel supported about my parenting style was to seek out other like-minded people. Mothering became the first thing that I ever felt completely confident about. I researched breastfeeding, I make tons of preparations, I was ready to go. One comment-ONE- from a strong opinioned brother of mine really put me on the defensive. "Well, you know, some women just can't breast feed, so don't be disappointed if..." Oh really?? Just WATCH me! My daughter and I got off to a slow start in the hospital--only 24 hours then! But after we came home and we could just do our own thing, nurse on demand, offer a nursing when she seemed to need it, things got going pretty well. I felt really good about how things were going. Then, the colic began. I felt so rejected when even nursing would not comfort her. So I sought out La Leche League. There I found so much information, so much comfort, so much support! By the second or third meeting, I had friends that would gladly take my fussy baby so I could just get a drink and go to the bathroom!
As time passed and my baby grew and thrived, and showed such a happy personality, I was restored! I had made the right choice! I could listen to my baby and give the right answer! My confidence soared!
But times of doubt have recurred. Outside influences try to steer me away from what I know is right, what I know is true. So it is time to stand up for myself, speak my mind, and be honest and true about my beliefs-- and my questions.
If anyone out there has a response or a comment, bring it on! It is easier to be frank and bold when not facing each other. I don't even remember now who knows about this spot, but knowing that there is some place out there where I can blow off some steam once in a while already makes me feel better!

Well, well, well, it surely has been a long time since I have been here! I decided to visit some of my old favorites tonight, and I was so inspired by some of Stacey's writings, I thought it was time to drop in for a visit.
Let me begin by acknowledging that it is now my birthday. I was born on September 2, 1966 at 12:02 a.m., so for 25 minutes, I have been 41 years old. Holy crap!! I had a lot of trouble--but a lot of fun (tattoo-heelloooo!) for my 40th last year, and it is not getting any easier. Not harder, but not easier either. I think it is because the youngest I specifially remember my mom being was 43 and she seemed OLD. Capital "O" old. Maybe it was seven kids. Maybe it was smoking. Maybe it was just my perception. Maybe it was her--maybe she did live like and old lady: bridge parties, dinners at church, stuff like that. I guess there is just a part of me that feels old, too. But jeez, I hope my kids don't perceive me as old like that! hmmm

Here's a mind blower: to anyone that does not already know, my oldest daughter has a boyfriend. If you had told me that I would have permitted this when she was only 13, I would have said you were an fool and I was an idiot. Well, shut my mouth--I must be a idiot. Although I am not sure that I could have done anything to prevent the turns of events, I suppose I could have forbidden her from seeing him, I have not taken that path. Rather, since he lives a mere 2 doors down the street, and since DH and I are friends and neighbors to DC's parents, we have opted to keep this a rather "controlled experiment", if you will. DC and AJ are rarely left alone or unsupervised. His mom and I keep very close tabes on what they do, and keep each other informed as well. Yeah, it's meddling, but DC is only 14, AJ is 13, and it is a unique opportunity to "train" them about this whole dating thing. Don't be too clingy, don't forget to call when you say you will, don't presume, don't nag, stuff like that. It may be quite awkward when/if things do go south, but we are trying to help them avoid some landmines. So far so good--but this is definitely one of those things that help make a mom feel old!!! Sure, I had crushes when I was 13--there was sure not anyone to return the feelings. In 8th grade, we mostly did group things--oddly enough, I was part of one of the 3 couples in our class. Me and Jeff Peters, Kathy F and Carl H., and Matt S. and Stephanie S. How funny that the little fat girl was one of so few with a boyfriend! Okay, so Jeff became one of the 3, yes 3 guys in my life who turned out to be gay!! I like to say I ruined them for all other women. ha ha
I digress. So, yes I did have crushes, but it sure seems like these things go from hi, how are you to, now we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Jeez. whatever happened to dating around. which is even funnier b/c our young couple hardly ever go anywhere!! Ah well. love is bliss at any age. And painful, yes?
Well, better sign out for now. I may just make this a habit! Love to all!

Life in the fast lane...

Okay, so here is the latest, although not necessarily in any order--cronilogically or of importance:
Girl Scout co-leader died rather unexpectedly. She was misdiagnosed a couple of years ago for cancer. The truth is, somebody in her ob's office royally screwed up and told her that a test she had for some "irregular" stuff had come back all clear. WRONG! She did actually have uterine cancer, but "Oh, it's a slow growing kind, so we're sure you'll be fine."Wrong again. She had surgery, she had chemo, she was sick as a dog. Ya know, chemo is one of those things that I almost wonder if the treatment is worse than the disease. I saw my mom go through it, and I saw my best friend's mom go through it. I realize that when faced with treatment or do nothing, I would probably choose try any treatment. I'm just saying watching Tanya go through the nausea, the hair loss, the low blood pressure, the anemia, all of that crap--it just seems an awful way to spend your time, esp if it is for naught. Ironically, Tanya's cause of death may well be listed as "infection" b/c she got an infection either through her surgery incision--which never healed properly--or through the hole in her chest from the porta cath thingy from chemo--which she would not have had if the idiot at the doctor's office had read her the right frickin' report!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have just lost all interest in Girl Scouts. It may have been my name on the paper work as the leader, but it was Tanya who kept us on track. I miss her everyday. Her daughter is in the same grade as my 4th grader, but they are in different classrooms. I can only imagine what that poor little girl must be feeling. I thought losing my mom at 17 was bad, but 10 just would be more devastating, if that's possible.
Okay, what else, hmmm... a close friend of mine,whose children I watch after school 4 days a week has been having a really rough time with life lately. She and her husband are in major financial trouble, and she decided she had had enough, and took 42 Prozac one day a couple of weeks ago. Holy crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope I never get a message like that again on my voice mail. Yeah, she is okay now, but man, what a scare. I still cannot figure out how she thought that would help. To be quite blunt, I am really pissed off at her. I mean, come on, she must not have really wanted to die, or she would have taken something besides an anti-depressant, for pete's sake. I even heard her tell her husband, "Well, maybe now I have your attention". WOW! I could go on and on about what a rotten thing this was to do. yes, I know she is clearly depressed, and crying out for help, yada yada yada, but now she is just acting like it was just a bad case of hiccups or something--no follow up therapy, nothing. 4 days in lock down and she is acting like nothing happened. Thank god her kids don't know the whole story.
More news: my 2nd daughter has a very close friend who lives catty corner across the street. The girl is again, same grade, different class. Her dad is a bit of a--well, I don't know how to describe it. What ever he in into at the moment, he is REALLY into it--never mind the expense, never mind the practicality of it, never mind what his long suffering wife has to say about it--he just does it. Let's see.... in the last 5 years since we have been hanging out, there has been thousands of dollars of fishing equipment, a boat--still in the driveway, an $800 bike and all the accessories, snakes and the accompanying rats in the freezer, new dog, give dog away--times 3, parrots--they have two right now, 3 or 4 different trucks, a station wagon for his wife, then a minivan, then an Expedition, now a Taurus. And last week, for himself--a Harley. Yep, he got himself a HOG! AND CRASHED ON THE WAY HOME FROM THE DEALERSHIP!!!!!! He has been in the ICU since last Saturday. Frankly, the man should not be alive: broken pelvis, compound fracture in his arm, collapsed lung, lacerated liver and spleen, huge gash in his side, etc., etc., etc. That's what happens when you hit the guardrail at 270 and hwy 40 at who knows how many MPH! Several ppl have asked me "Did he know how to ride a motorcycle?" To which my smart ass response is, "Apparently not." Okay, snotty, I know, and God help him (please!), he is lucky he had his helmet on, and the doc's are pretty sure his brain and his spine are okay. He has a long way to go b/f he will be coming home!
Well, that's enough babbling for now. Life is crazy,and the only thing I can do is hang on for the next roller coaster ride!

Mindless ramblings....

I have a strange sort of news... my 11 year old just last night informed me that she has begun life as a "woman". Yep, she's "started". HOLY CRAP! Let me say that I am totally aware that this is not at all about me. But this is my blog, and I am going to vent, okay? Whereas I was expecting this day to come at some point, and based on her body and her MOOD lately, I was expecting it soon, but now that it has happened, I am stunned! I am not ready to be the mother of a "fertile female"! The risks and ramifications terrify me! But, I also feel close to her. She and I have the strangest love/hate relationship. the same girl that one moment is yelling at me, hating me b/c I made her clean up her room--the next moment is cuddling in my arms, calling me "Mommy". I am glad that we still have those moments, but the quick changes exhaust me! Say some prayers that we end this adolescent phase still as friends!
I am watching "Extreme Makeover Home edition" on tv. they are visiting the home of one their previous families in New Orleans. The homeowner, Robin just went back to her house for the first time since the hurricaine. Most of the pple they have helped have major sob stories--not a judgement comment, just the truth--their situations make me so sad, and I am so happy that they are helped. Sure, it's a bonanza for Sears and ABC, and all that crap, but it is really amazing the way they change ppl's lives. And now her home has been hit by the hurricaine. It appears that there is some water damage, but she is relatively lucky. So many pple lost everything. Iheard a figure on the news yesterday that some 76,000 more students are enrolled in Houston area schools. that blows my mind! There is no way in hell that St. Louis could handle that kind of influx of students! The students we have don't even all have text book. Makes me nuts!!!!!!!
Okay, I have rambled enough for now--time to fold my laundry. I am thanking God that my kids have plenty of clothes to be folded!
Oh-- a quick story--something to be majorly thankful for: the kids were off school Thursday for a Holy Day. We were out and about in the store for about 3 hours, and when we got back about 1:30, and as I opened the front door, I smelled this strong burning smell. I went into the house, and realized that my stove was on--I heard the "tick tick tick" of the burner trying to light. Well, it was on, and my tea kettle was totally dry, totally ruined, and stuck to the burner grate beneath it!!!!! I really thing the dog must have tried to jump up on the stove while we were gone! Iknow it sounds crazy, but I am sure it was not on when we left. I locked the back door b/f we left, and that is the only thing I can figure out. But just think about what could have happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What if the cutting board had been on there, what if a stack of dishes had been on there, or a pot holder!!!!!!!!!!???????? It just freaks me out!!!!!!!!!! YES! I am thanking God and whoever else needs to be thanked!!!!!!!!!

Thanksgiving insomnia...

It's 2:46 a.m., Thanksgiving morning, 2005, and I have been watcing movies since 11:00. I just keep surfing from one movie to another. I know I should be sleeping--big day tomorrow and all, but for some reason I just cannot shut off my brain.
I am in a pretty busy, but happy place in my life right now, but I am a little shocked at how life with these kids just seems to get busier and busier. The upcoming holiday season has me totally freaked out; I am not sure I can keep up. I already cut back to 4 days of work to try to get caught up around here but so far, I have not had a chance at all to do that; 2 mondays in a row there were other crisis to deal with, then this past Monday, I worked so that I could be off today (well, Wednesday is now yesterday, but that's not the point).
So, laundry is probably piling up, there are pies to make , a turkey to make, I want to do some painting in the "new" family room. My dh, Jeff is off Friday, and so is our friend, Gabe, who is helping us w/ the remodel. I would really like to get the painting done in the new pantry area so that we can do the ceiling and get the fridge and the freezer in there. That will really help me vizualize what the space will be. Once we get the shclves in there, and get the tv in place, it is going to be really cool. We put up a new wall so the family room is smaller, but we have added a pantry.
I am sure this is all boring as hell, but I am just trying to download my brain.
The girls and I went to Darla and Gabe's for dinner tonight. I was able to help with their fireplace project by getting the cable put into the wall of the hearth. Nice to be able to do something for them--besides babysit. Any way, something kinda funny happened; Darla has her computer in their bedroom in the basement, and she and I were looking at some stuff on the 'net. Gabe came in with the newspaper, and climbs in to the bed to read the paper. I said something about needing to get going. He said, why, just because I got into bed? don't worry about it, you don't have to go. It sorta seemed weird, but no big deal really. It feels like we have so few secrets anymore, it's like we are siblings anyway. But it still felt a little weird. But they are so easy to be with, it is really comforting just to have some decent ppl just to hang out with.
Okay, so now I am tired, so I think I will hit the hay.
Happy Turkey Day!

mindless ramblings

It has been a long time since I have made time to write anything. It is not for lack of things to throw a tirade about; it is simply that I have not had the time. It seems I am pretty emotional today, so perhaps it is time for a good vent!!
A number of topics wracking my brain:
*Able bodied people who do not evacuate when they are told to. HELLO!! You have at least 3 days' notice to get your ass out of the path of a category 4-5 hurricane. Perhaps now is not the time to be a sqautter!!
* The blame game for the gulf coast: I believe with all of my heart that the first ppl that need to be accountable
for the lack of preparation are the mayor and governor of New Orleans. They sat on their cushy butts in Biloxi, made very little preparations or allowances for the elderly, the disabled, the impoverished. And now they want to blame the Feds for not doing enough, not getting there in time, not bringing in enough help. Where was the state's disaster plan? What did the mayor do--the guy that is supposed to know his constituents the best--to make sure his citizens had a place to go to be safe??? Has anybody noticed that the Federal assistance was there at least 2 days FASTER than any other disaster scene? No, nobody noticed that.
And what about that Senator Jefferson guy that had soldiers helping him save his personal belongings? What a crock!!!
There is lots more I'd love to get off my chest, but it's time to fly for now...

Okay, so now the expectations are high; I have announced the exsistence of my blog, so now I guess I have to write something. I sure hope that I don't have to be profound. I wonder if I will have to make another one, and not tell anyone about it, so I can really vent. But that seems sort of risky. My dad always told me "Don't ever put anything in writing you would not be willing to see on the front page of the paper." Of course, I was in fifth grade, getting busted for passing cruel notes in class at the time. We never anticipated the internet.
Well, here is somthing I am really annoyed about today: most of my friends know that I am pretty conservative--not card carrying Republican, really, but pretty close. I have been really conflicted about this whole war in Iraq. I think it was hideously wrong for Saddam Hussein to be in violation of the Kuwait cease fire 17 freakin' times b/f anyone did anything about it. (screw the UN) But I am conflicted about the usefulness of this war. I DO, in my heart, believe that SH was/is/ does have a lot hidden out there in the desert (a neighboring country's desert, even). I also think that GW has info that we do not need, nor will ever know; it just may not be our time to know it. Okay, but here is what I am getting at: we ARE in this war. It is an ALL VOLUNTEER military. People die. It is a horrible, ghastly thing. My heart breaks everytime there are more casualties. But, we cannot stop know. We cannot turn tail and run just b/c this war is unpopular. So, to that mom stalking GW in Texas, I would like to say, " You are a disloyal, disrespectful, unfaithful, inconsiderate witch for disrespecting your son's memory by denouncing the horrible, deadly work that is being done on OUR behalf!!" Sure, I respect her right to speak out, and I have the same right. I think she is dishonoring the work that her son was doing, and that she is being unkind, unpatriotic and totally disrepectful. No, my comments won't make a difference, but I feel better!
To my friend, Stacey: I suspect you are suffering from a bit of post-wedding-planning, wedding happening/post show let down. The wedding plans have been taking up much of your time and attention for a while; the two shows and all the attendant social activities have been quite a ride, too. Now it's all over for now, and now all you have to occupy the "other side of your mind" (the side that is not doing work, etc.) are things like, "Oh yay. What are we gonna do tonight? More dishes? Hmmm, maybe the laundry. Oh, okay, let's see how we are gonna make $40 stretch for 13 days...." All that fun "apcray".
I encourage the occasional wallow. Just roll around in the boredom and common-ness of it. Then it will pass, Christmas is coming, the ice storms are coming, a New Year will begin, Valentine's treats, then a new show to plan, a first anniversary to celebrate, and the beat goes on. You'll make it, girlfriend. It's a wild ride, this growning up thing, but it's worth it ;-)
Have a great weekend, everyone! The soccer practice season has begun. Ugh.